What I am
by Jocelyn04
Summary: A heart on the verge of breaking fluttering in your palm. Sometimes we just need to let things go, but thats so much harder than it sounds. sshg R for mature content
1. Chapter I

Note:  
The language, or content in this piece is not appropriate for immature audiences. An R rating is strongly in place for mature implications, content and some mature language (under 15 words I do believe). Though none of this prose is explicitly graphic, the topic which it discusses is perhaps inappropriate for younger readers. I as the author would strongly advise any persons whom are not comfortable with the foresaid to not read the following.  
  
What I am  
  
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover.  
  
I'm a child, I'm a mother.  
  
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint.  
  
I do not feel ashamed.  
  
I'm your hell, I'm your dream.  
  
I'm nothing in between.  
  
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease.  
  
I'm a goddess on my knees.  
  
Bitch- Meredith Brooks  
  
It seems like I almost get thing straightened out, and then I hear from you. I used to look forward to hearing your voice, now I avoid it. You only bring me pain. Last time i saw you, it seems like yesterday. Separated for days yet I missed you so. Now its been longer, more than a month, and yet I barely miss your face. I remember what you look like. Through my eyes, and under my hands.  
  
How can I despise you so much? How can I curse your name when all I really want is to have you hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay? I tell myself I hate you. I try to convince my mind I don't needs you. What my mind can decide, my body defies. The aching loss of how much I need you never leaves.  
  
I can taste your mouth. I used to worship your mouth. So talented and attentive, always rough yet comforting, making me want more while I drown in what you have already been given. You light me on fire . My body burns and my soul begs to follow, but it can't.  
  
You're leaving tomorrow, this I know. Leaving me and there is nothing I can do about it. Its not your fault. No, I mustn't blame you. This is what you do, your livelihood. You cannot ignore the call. What a disgusting wench I am that I want you for myself. But is it so vile to love you?  
  
I know I can never have you, why won't you give me closure? Before this whole mess started, I told you it was fine. I didn't mind being a plaything, that was really quite alright. You told me that I wasn't. You called me friend, though far more. And I trusted you.  
  
You took me. You took my last line of defense. Then I was yours and begged to be given a name. To be your whore would be better than to not know where I stand.  
  
You ripped right through my innocence, taking all I could give. What's worse you made me like it. I loved it. I wanted more. I still want more. This pain is one that neither food nor drink can quench.  
  
I beg you to name me, you deny me the right. At least if I were a slut, yours for the taking, well then maybe I wouldn't feel so trite. You gave me a taste. Now I cannot get enough. I need you; mind, soul and body all need you.  
  
Next time, it will be the same. I already know I cannot resist. Why can I not turn away what will only hurt me? Why must I want and need you so?  
  
I beg you now, now that we speak. I beg you to tell me the truth my ears need to hear. "The truth is only what the listener believes." I want to believe. I want to believe that I am nothing. It would be easier for both of us that way.  
  
Yet the moment I hear your voice, my mind goes into a numb oblivion. All I can think of is how much I want you. We joke and laugh, sharing past events. But it always goes the same. Our voices deepen with our lust, and the pain completely goes away.  
  
All I can think of is how badly I need you. But I force myself not to say. You know. It doesn't matter what I say, you see through my defenses. We are one in the same, and you can feel my heart breaking. Ignore it, IGNORE IT! I am nothing. You don't care! I know you don't!  
  
But you sooth me. You pacify my thoughts with your words, and I slip away again. You are all I can see. You are all I want.  
  
I slide willingly into your web. This is what I need. You are what I need. My voice catches. I clear it as best I can, trying to make it go away. But you have stirred this monster once again. I feel the room grow warmer, my wits are dull, defenses weak.  
  
You'll take me again, shred these weak barriers I have assembled. I beg you, pleading with what strength I have left. No, you won't listen, you never do. You know how desperately I need you.  
  
Only as you voice your release, caught in a moment of weakness do the bindings of your spell weaken. I awake as if from a daze. My body is pacified filled with you, needing nothing more, but my soul is blemished. Scarred and scared, wishing this were true. While my body can't help but enjoy your warmth and comfort my brain screams at me to get away. But I don't want to leave.  
  
I want to stay with you forever. I want to love you. I want you to love me. I would do anything for you, anything you asked of me. But my efforts at incantations are wiped from the air with your first coherent syllable.  
  
You're so much stronger than me, your body and your soul. I don't deserve you, of this I am sure. You sooth me and kiss me. Once more I am washed away into the endless seas of nothingness. God I don't deserve you.  
  
This is how it was meant to be. I am yours, you mine. Even if it is only for this short time, this is sheer perfection. Wrapped together, a warm glow of fulfillment nearly visible in the air. I'm ready to stay, and your ready to leave.  
  
I want to beg you not to go. I know I could please you more. I want to kiss you and melt into you once more, repaying your accomplishments upon me. You kiss me lightly smoothing my disheveled hair. I look into your eyes and I can see your soul. I want to touch your soul. I don't have the power. You are a god, standing proudly. If I were a goddess I would be on my knees before you.  
  
Now I'm alone. You are gone once more. I remind myself I don't need you. Day, I don't need you. Hour, I don't need you. Minute, I don't need you. My mind screams for reverie. Delusions are no better.  
  
Yes my body needs you, but my mind is still too strong. I must built up my defenses. I cannot let you breach my barriers again. I cannot let you in, but I want you in. NO!!!!  
  
You don't love me! You can never love me. How could you ever love me? You tell me to let go. You say I should just forget. I try to let you go, try I really do, but you never leave me.  
  
I beg you to dismiss me, harlot nothing more. You're voice breaks, though I cannot see your face I hear the tear slide down your cheek. This is a silent weakness, god no. You can't want me. You don't want me. Please don't want me.  
  
It would be much easier. Life would be simple. Tell me you don't love me. Tell me you hate me damn it!! Call me names, slap my face. Make me cry, give me a reason to hate you!  
  
You won't. If you can I do not know. I tell myself you're pretending to let me save face. You've always been my friend, that's all your doing consoling me. I hear you clear your throat. I can almost see the tear though your a thousand miles away and I am lost. I do not know where you stand, and you will not say.  
  
I plead, if you care for me at all, if I have ever been your friend you will give me my name. Bitch. PLEASE! Yet your voice breaks again, I hear these sounds com from your lips, and I begin to cry.  
  
"The truth is only what the listener believes." you say it again.  
  
The listener only knows to believe what those I trust say. Mean it, MEAN it!  
  
"I can't mean it"  
  
You can mean it. You will mean it damn it! I AM NOTHING! I'm your whore! I'm your bitch, your slut. I'm a fuck-toy! A soulless object. Name me, get it over with. Name me and cast me aside so you won't rip out my heart only to hold it breaking in your hand. Demean me and leave me to die alone and in exile and misery. Give me the closure of solitude if I cannot have you. Don't do this do me, don't..... Leave me and let me live.  
  
"I'll call you next week. Take care" With this you seal my fate.  
  
Oh lord, what can I do? 


	2. Chapter II

Please note that this isn't my world, I only play here. The following is a bit explicit, so if you've got a problem with that please don't read.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~** ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Alone  
  
She carefully pads down the hallway quiet as can be. Glancing nervously into the darkened rooms as she slowly makes her way into the light. It's not right, it can't be. Time for bed, past time, she should have been asleep an hour ago. Silence closes in on the house but she remains awake, resisting its drowsy aftermath. The welcoming seclusion of the bedroom nears; she slowly saunters to the bed, flicking off the light as she moves. Alone, nothing stirs, she's all alone.  
  
The darkness encompasses her as she begins to undress. A deft hand slides down her soft curves to the waistband of her jeans. She unbuttons them and lowers the zip, easing them denim down and off her hips. Stepping from them, feeling slightly off balance in the dark she takes a seat on her bed, hearing the springs creak slightly. She pauses, hardly breathing, unsure if she's been heard, but its safe, she's alone.  
  
The silence prevails as she tosses the jeans onto the back of her chair, to retrieve at a later date. Letting out a sigh of relief she shrugs off her t-shirt feeling the prickling cold against her back. Fighting the urge to nestle into the safety of the blankets beneath her she takes off her socks rolling them up and putting them with the jeans and shirt.  
  
As the moonlight shines through the window it intensifies, and her breath catches in her throat. It's only a passing car, another person traveling in the night the light shining into her bedroom window. Gooseflesh springs to life and she rubs her arms slightly enjoying the warmth of her hands.  
  
Eyes now fully adjusted to the dark she stands and moves a bit more deliberately to the chair, unclasping her bra and pulling the protective material away from her soft skin. The cold air bites against her nipples causing them to spring to life, contracting harshly in response. Her fingers move slowly up her sides, cradling her breasts against the chill in the air. As she peer into the mirror a loose strand of hair falls down.  
  
She glances at her reflection in the mirror skin shockingly pale in the moonlight. Her arms drop to her sides as she looks on, peering into the mirror. She tucks her hair behind her ears looking at the washed out hues of gold and copper in the moonlight. The radio plays softly, a sad lonely melody sounding as her thumbs hook under the band of her cotton panties. The locks fall to cover her breasts as if for modesties sake, shielding her from the cold world.  
  
Slowly she slips the panties down and off, laying them beside the rest of her clothing. She begins to reach for the oversized tee she sleeps in, but decides against it at the last moment, instead moving to the bed and turning back the covers.  
  
The moonlight of a stormy night casts pale shadows over her bed as she turns back the comforter. She lays herself down on the cool sheets, drawing the blankets over her. Looking out the window into the sky she sees a faint star shine as a cloud moves past. Fidgeting with her pillow slightly she curls up into herself in an attempt to avoid the cold sheets. Her hips shift slightly, rubbing her thighs together. She utters a soft gasp, not expecting the friction.  
  
Once more she moves her hips, grinding a bit this time, pressing her thighs together. Entranced by the feeling she closes her eyes and repeats it. This time her exaggerated movement causes her breast to brush against the cold callous sheets causing a delightful friction. Unable to resist temptation her hand moves up and her fingertips lightly brush the hardened nipple. She lets out a soft moan, thankful the radio is on; she lightly massages the tender flesh.  
  
She teases her nipple slowly, tracing it casually causing the stiffened peak to harden still farther. She smiles to herself, arching into her own ministrations as she lightly massages the entire breast, bringing her other hand to manipulate the other breast. Dragging her fingertips over the nipples she pulls back the covers watching the pink flesh contract as she toys with it. Nothing but her body and her hands, letting her mind escape.  
  
Gently she begins to roll the nipples between her thumb and index finger. She tugs lightly only now aware she still has her thighs clenches together for dear life. Slowly she pinches each nipple in turn, gasping slightly but thoroughly enjoying the slight amount of pain. She can't help but grind her hips a little more as she arches letting her breath out slowly.  
  
Temptation once more rears its head as she feels her nether lips sliding against one another slightly. Grinding a little harder she moves one hand from its current occupation to softly slide down her stomach. It rests for a moment on her hipbone, her entire body overly aware of its presence. Her eyes slip shut as she gently feels her way down the curve of her hip and thigh, slowly moving inward. She brushes lightly at the trimmed hair, darker auburn and russet curls; her fingers sliding slowly lower as she spreads her legs. Safe in the darkness, nothing bad can happen.  
  
Heat generates from between her thighs as she slides her palm and fingers along gently. She teases herself pressing up against her lips, smiling still. She moves slightly spreading her legs still farther, feeling the heat from her pussy, making the temptation too great. A solitary finger slides against the lips only to be met with the eager juices flowing down. She slowly spreads them, feeling the warm wetness of her arousal. The hot liquid sliding easily between her lips as her finger continues to seek its welcome.  
  
She feels the waiflike nub of her clit and rubs it gently. She lets out the breath she didn't know she'd been holding. Her clit hardening rapidly under the ministration of her finger, a second slipping between her lips eager to help. Letting out a soft groan she continues to manipulate and rub the nub teasing herself until she can't help but arch her hips up into her own hands. More warm sticky juices flow down as she begins to make small rhythmic circles around her increasingly sensitive clit.  
  
She flexes the muscles inside her pussy lightly, testing them. She picks up the rhythm she is inflicting upon her clit, kneading and massaging all at the same time. She gasps bringing her knees up spreading them widely. Her other hand leaves her nipples for a moment sliding quickly between her thighs and takes over rubbing her clit. Her free hand then moves up, and she carefully licks two fingers suckling them softly, tasting the strong sweetness of her arousal but wanting to make sure that her fingers are wet enough. Without any further adieu she then lowers her hand and slides her index finger into her eager pussy.  
  
The sudden need for more bursts over her like a damn broke, as her finger pumps in and out of her pussy. She slides a second finger into the hot, wet, silky walls, and pumps in and out a bit faster. She continues to rub her clit, though now the motions are erratic. She arches her hips up again and again, fighting wanting more. Once again she begins to contract, only this time around her thrusting fingers.  
  
Faster and deeper her fingers slide into and out of her hot, tight, pussy. She rubs her clit harder feeling the tension in her body increase. She closes her eyes, the tempo building as her arousal sends her to spiraling heights. Waves of nothing but thoughtless raw pleasure encompass her body and the darkness leaves her mind. She moans softly, completely oblivious to everything else, not even aware that the radio plays on.  
  
As she curls onto her side once more, fingers licked clean but thighs still sticky with the evidence of her arousal she lets out one last deeply satisfied sigh. She pulls the covers over her again, only now noticing how chilly the room is. She slowly drifts into blissful remembering dreams, unaware of the shadowy figure in the doorway. She murmurs softly before falling into a peaceful abyss, smiling in her sleep wishing he could have watched the whole thing...wishing she weren't alone. Totally unaware that he has watched, and that she's no longer alone. 


	3. Chapter III

I think that I have escaped you, your sight, your touch. All too soon you reign me in, and prove to me that I'm wrong, and just how much. Moment by moment I strive to be free, righting this path all alone. Once I've nearly escaped you, then its as though the hounds are at my heels. You know every breath I take, and you allow it with heartfelt discontent.

You say you don't have time for me, that life just moves too fast. You're gone and have no time to spend with this woman from your past. I look into your eyes and I find my soul within, and so when I think I've finished the race, its only about to begin.

Your letters are filled with promises. You're words sooth the scars on my heart. Yet deep down somewhere inside, I know it cannot last for long. I hear your voice once more, all y troubles are forgot, yes as soon as that voice dies away I am lost and filled with wrought.

Do I love you? Yes I do. Should I love you? If I only knew.

Is it love I feel in my heart? Is this what my mind holds to be true? You whisper to me in the dark of night, you tempt me with the promise that it will be alright. How do I know? What can I do? I've fallen for you.

I lay awake at night. In my bed I stir. Softly speaking into the air, asking the spirits so pure. The darkness surrounds my form, it bites into my life. I'm left there all alone in my room, just praying for the daylight.

You say you'll write so soon. You say there is much to tell. Yet nothing I do seems to bring you, back into this world I call hell. You're a million miles away, trapped in a darkened sea. Yet through all the mist, it was me that you kissed, and that is all there is need to be.

I want you. I need you. Why can you not see? Why is this so hard, what you do to me? I know you don't mean to. You must be lost and frightened too. Yes we remain apart. Whatever are we to do? I miss you. I desire you. There is nothing more I want. Yet nothing can save us from the ever rising storm front.

I hide in your arms when you are near, and shiver from their absence. Why can nothing in this world leave hold to every make sense?

How can something once so sweet, so filled with happiness, lead me unto a world so dark, and filled with such unrest?


End file.
